Have you been "phubbing" your kid?
I learned a new word last week: phub.
When you phub someone, you choose to pay attention to your phone/device rather than the person in front of you. Oof. I feel personally attacked.
How many times has my child been in the middle of sharing something with me that feels important when my phone lights up? My instinct draws me to tap that text and phub my precious offspring.
Recent research shows a correlation between parental phubbing and adolescent anxiety, low self-control and academic burnout. But do we really need a study to tell us that it’s painful when a loved one ignores you in favor of a Tiktok dance?
Let’s be clear, I’m not talking about all the legitimate work we adults do online (school emails, grocery shopping, childcare planning, bill paying, our jobs etc.). The lines between work device time and disembodied scrolling can be blurry. Declaring out loud to your children what business you are handling helps keep you accountable.
I’m concerned about filling downtime with unintentional phone scrolling.
It can look like going out to dinner and picking up your phone to check social media at the table, or playing Candy Crush while your child is going through their morning routine.
When a child’s main source of comfort, guidance, and self-esteem (you) is continuously distracted and unable to fully engage or notice them, it can erode their positive sense of self. It results in them wondering, “Am I worth attending to?”
It’s our parental attachment that nurtures a child. That long-term parent/child relationship is stunted when we, the parents, have an addiction that inhibits our presence and intuition.
Let us start small and commit to a specific micro window of time where we will be absolutely present and phone-free.
Here are four tips to help you begin your quest to eliminate the phubbing:
Create accountability. What friend or partner can we admit this behavior goal to and check in with regularly?
Find something to give you sensory input or tactile feedback if it’s hard to just BE with your child. Attending to your body makes it easier to stay present in lieu of the dopamine hits your system will be missing. Taking a short walk in the evening with your child might be an embodied habit of connection.
Plan daily sacred times when there are no screens and no exceptions, like during meal times, bedtime, or an evening walk with your teen. Communicate the limit to the entire family so they can count on that moment of pressure release.
Leave your phone in a public spot that requires you to stand while using it. Creating a little bodily discomfort will help bring awareness to the habit.
Your homework this week is to choose one of the tips above to focus on and set aside daily time to be completely tech-less and phub-free.
Before I sign off, I want you to know that you are not alone. This addiction is by design. Talented programmers and strategists have worked to build something you can’t put down. I am incredibly proud of you for doing some self-reflection and making an effort to shift things!
(Read more about the negative effects of phubbing here.)
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