Why Some Moms (Gasp!) Hate Mother’s Day
I hate to be the bearer of this news, but Mother’s Day (U.S.) is right around the corner.
Are you ready for it?
Here’s a nasty myth I see bullying hard-working moms like you:
If someone truly loves you, they should know what you want.
First, I want to validate the desire here. It is reasonable to want to be seen and known, especially by our loved ones.
But can we take a look at this idea that people should just know what you want?
There’s a bit of magical thinking there. And while it’s okay to be wishful (“can’t he know by now that I don’t want Costco jewelry?!”), it’s also important to let go of mind-reading as a pre-req to making you happy.
Don’t get mad at me, but your superpower of reading everyone else’s minds and figuring out what they want isn’t always a positive thing.
An hour ago, I surprised my son, deeply engrossed in watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, with a bowl of cut-up green apples and kiwi. It felt good to nurture my manchild and have such a good grasp of what makes him happy.
And it’s not cool to expect that my kids or my husband are built the same way.
This is the dark side of people pleasing: the expectation that others see the gaps and needs that you do without training or failing at it first.
As women, we come by this skill honestly. The cultural expectation of women serving everyone is passed down from mothers to daughters often without a second thought.
So to those of us who subconsciously observe and catalogue it all, noticing other’s wants and needs and acting thoughtfully on this intelligence – just know that not everyone has this gifting. Or desire.
You have a superpower.
Not everyone should “just know how to love you.” Not even your spouse.
If you agree this is true, then not taking the time and energy to tell others what you want becomes a pre-meditated recipe for bitterness.
When you take the time and energy to turn your spidey senses inward, to discern and express what you want from your loved ones, you accept the challenge to grow your skills at naming and asking for your needs to be met.
You are inviting them into a deeper intimacy with you – where they can begin to grow the muscles required to anticipate and meet your needs.
So here are some prompts to help you think about what you want from Mother’s Day now, with plenty of time to communicate.
Schedule some dedicated time away to answer these questions for yourself.
Questions to ask yourself:What am I longing for more of in my life?How might I allow myself to taste this good thing on a day to celebrate me?What people, places, and activities feel important to me for a meaningful Mother's Day?What matters to other people but wouldn’t necessarily fill my emotional tank?
Send your answers in a text or email or written note – however your person best metabolizes requests – and lay it out very clearly for them, “I would feel so loved and cared for this Mother’s Day if…”
Then follow up with a conversation to get feedback on your request.
If they respond poorly? That’s on them. You at least did your part.
Feel free to hit reply and let me know what you asked for and how it went. I read each and every response, but can't always write back.
I’m rooting for you,
Mary