3 hacks for judgy grandparents
Everyone receives unwanted input at some stage of raising kids, but as a parent of a Spicy One, you get way more than your fair share. Comments like: "You’re just going to let him walk all over you?”, “She doesn't act like that for me!”, “You are getting played like a violin", “Don’t you ever say no?” and “He’s being a little brat!”.
The irony is that you are fully aware of the issues and are doing mental gymnastics to determine what to address and when. So much of your energy goes to leading this child intentionally. When your family doesn't respect your parenting or judges your child as bad or in need of more discipline, it’s defeating. Why can't they recognise the good that is happening?
Breaking generational curses and loving your larger-than-life child unconditionally can stick out as odd on the familiar horizon of fitting in and keeping the peace.
Because of this, you must be adept at choosing your child over the crowd.
Whether it’s defending against sarcastic remarks or passionate suggestions coming from love, you will need a plan to handle unwanted input. A plan to keep safely plodding along on your own healing road.
Their opinion is none of your business.
And yet, it still stings.
Tip #1 How you respond to criticism depends on how intimate the relationship is
If you barely know the person and they’ve made an insensitive comment like, “In my day, a quick pop on the bottom told a kid you meant business,” you can either decide not to engage or you can say something like,
“I've got this, thanks.”
“That’s one way of looking at it!”
“Isn’t it wonderful that we are all so different? Life would be so boring if we all handled things the same.”
The most painful judgement comes from your inner circle: your family, your in-laws, and besties in lifelong relationships with your child. In these kinds of situations, you will likely have to clearly state your perspective and a boundary so it's not a constant circular argument. Say something like:
“We have done our research and we are never going to use spanking or hitting as a discipline strategy. Please don't suggest it again.”
“I know you mean well, but please stop talking about my child’s sensitivity or their upset in front of them. Those comments make me really uncomfortable. It doesn't feel good to hear people judging you while you are doing everything to get calm. I know from experience. My sensitivity was a common topic of conversation, and I hated it.”
Tip #2 Name your common goal
Let’s agree that everyone around you genuinely wants your kiddo to turn out well, but their approach to how that should be done varies. Believing this helps you start out a tough discussion with: “I know you want what's best for them and I’m so glad you care enough to express your concerns.“ Say it out loud to calm everyone’s defensiveness.
Tip # 3 Project confidence in your sovereignty
YOU are the parent. YOU are in charge. People feel more certain of your approach when they can tell you aren't looking for their approval or confirmation to stay on your path. Projecting your parental sovereignty means not cheerfully and firmly focusing on your behavior and not concerning yourself with others’ reactions.
Only you know which remarks to respond to and which to let go. But when you know, you must advocate for you and yours. “When we avoid conflict to keep the peace, we start a war within ourselves” - maybe Sheryl Richardson
Rooting for you,
Mary