A lesson on Trash talk
Spicy Ones can be uber competitive.
Playing Pickleball this week, I witnessed three little boys come onto the gated court, bickering loudly. I’m easily distracted so I missed a ball, worrying that they didn’t understand the court protocol. (You have to put your racket down next to the court you want to play on next. They weren’t doing that.) Probably fifth graders, they huddled around the scooters they brought in arguing loudly. It was difficult to quiet the maternal part of me that thinks I am in charge of every child in the world.
A few minutes later, they took over the court next to us. One of the boys, we’ll call him Jack, was quite vocal. “What are you thinking?!”, Jack screamed. “Hey stupid, throw me the ball!” and “No you can’t beat me. You suck.”
He was engaging in good old American trash talk. And it was killing my vibe.
Pickleball is supposed to be a game where people giggle and congratulate each other. Meanwhile, I could hear his friends becoming distressed by his verbal bullying. They almost whimpered as he yelled,“Your swing is trash!”
Eventually I had to step in. As he loudly and rudely argued a line call, I matched his volume and shouted “Excuse me! No thank you, sir. Please use your words to encourage others!”. He kept yelling but both his mild companions turned to look at me wide-eyed. Meanwhile, Jack hadn’t even heard me. I’m glad because I had disregarded my own Quicksilver rule.
What do you do about a Spicy One who trash talks? That kid who drops negative words into the family atmosphere like smoke bombs? I contemplated this as I slammed a ball at my opponent's feet and screamed “Gooood Night, Miss!”. I knew this boy. This boy was me.
The Quicksilver* rule of feedback is you have to be in a relationship with someone to speak into their life and make a positive impact. So I decided not to be the old lady at the park that lectured him. But for you, with your child, here’s what I suggest:
In the middle of the boisterous verbal onslaught, get quiet, put your hand on your child’s shoulder (or maybe tap them with a finger to disrupt their train of thought) and almost whisper, “we need to pause. And I need to talk to you.”
Get them alone. Don't give negative feedback in public or even in front of a sibling.
Give them the Spider Man speech.
“With great power comes great responsibility.” - Voltaire
Say something like:
“The thing about you that is so wonderful -since birth- is you have remarkable charisma. Do you know what charisma is? (Wait for an answer).Sort of. It means you have charm - an electric way of being in the world that makes people want to listen to you and follow your lead. People can see that you have an inner strength and they look to you as a person who sets the tone. Throughout your life, you’re going to have to figure out how you use that charisma power for good.You have the capacity to use powerful words to either lift up people or cut them down. To be harsh or KIND. With just your words (and tone of voice), you can move people to be inspired or defeated and hopeless. What I hope you will learn to do is use your words and your leadership skills to look for ways to encourage others. When you don’t know what to do, shout “nice hit” or “good job”. Be the person looking to get the best out of everyone rather than put them down.”
You might also address the dopamine hit that comes from impacting others, even negatively, with something like this:
“You probably feel powerful when you’re trash talking. Using your words to confuse or upset an opponent can feel like an exciting charge in your body. You are having an effect on someone, maybe even making them question themselves. Feeling powerful is a human need. How can you get that need met in a more positive way? Be the person that takes on that unofficial team captain role with your words. You can say things like:
“I see you putting in the work.”
“Well done.”“Way to go!”
“You’ve got this.”
“Keep your head up!”
You get to be a culture setter with your charisma. You set the tone and the temperature.
And here’s the good news, Spicy One. These leadership skills are also friendship making skills. When you walk away from time with friends, do you want them hanging their head feeling like a loser? Will this make them want to spend more or less time with you? (wait for answer) Or do you want them to feel like “dang that person makes me feel great. They say things and do things that make me feel appreciated and important”. You become a more attractive friend when you help meet your friend’s need for power too.”
Ok, the Spicy One is going to smell this lecture and think it stinks. That’s ok. Keep sharing this idea. Share it so often that it becomes stale and expected from you. They can repeat it before you start as in, “I know! You don't have to tell me. I have charisma and I need to use my leadership powers for good.”
P.S. This lecture applies to you too.
I am proud of you!
Mary