The Spicy One is easily offendable
Last week on the Internet, I had the misfortune to offend people...again.
Giddy from the full-body expectation that comes before teaching a Zoom parenting class, I strutted about the Internet, celebrating the cheetah print blouse I procured from a thrift shop for only $4 in Nashville. I called it my Lesbian Shirt.
Instant adoration and the vitriol poured forth (wait - did I just find a title for my memoir: Adoration & Virtriol??). To see what lesbians and non-lesbians had to say, scroll to the bottom of this email. We all learned some things.
The little dust-up reminded me how frayed the nerves of every US citizen are. We are wide-eyed and searching our neighbor’s face for signs of danger or safety. The highly sensitive among us have it the worst. The Spicy One notices the most subtle of eye-rolls and smells any whiff of sarcasm. Or words clamped behind tight lips, unsaid but still felt. We notice when we are excluded and it hurts.
As I exist in a country undergoing a governmental upheaval (and a terrifying return to Gillead values), it is my mission to amplify any joy or sense of ease that can be eeked out. Hence the hyperactive frollicking on camera. We mammals look to others in the herd to see if we are OK. ( Please imagine me in my sexy lowest mom voice, locking eyes with you and repeating: “You are OK. You are OK.”)
As the reviews came in from my inflammatory phrasing (AKA the “Lesbian Shirt”), some let me know they’d be unfollowing me with strong “Shame on you” comments. I was listening AND I was OK through it all. My sense of self is robust. I allow it to be impacted only by the kindest of souls who I have intentionally allowed to speak into my life. Not random followers with drive-by condemnation.
I want that grit for your Spicy One. And for you. I want a grounded sense of impenetrable OK-ness. A self-concept built on an inner knowing of your worthiness rather than what others believe about you. Part of that gumption will come naturally with their prickly personality.
But your child's inner fortitude will also be built by your continued calmness in the face of their storm, your fluency with words of affirmation, and your embracing of apologies.
Is your Spicy One easily offend-able? It’s worth asking yourself if they are overly self-protective due to picking up cues that maybe you find them difficult to be with. That wounding can be healed through non-agendad time together, you processing your feelings with other adults, and maybe even attending Moms of Spicy Ones. Every thoughtful, kind, and measured feedback you give to your child sinks deeply into the soil of their self talk. Your work is changing a life.
Please note, there is a wide berth between being highly offend-able and highly sensitive but it can look the same to outsiders. These here are the Grade A Highly Sensitive beauties that I retreated with last week. Each of these Spicy Ones are severely impacted by the world around them. But they persevere, choosing to keep engaging with the world to share their natural talents. Like artists must.
Many a strong-willed child starts out with a hyper fixation that others are out to get them. They see attacks where there are none.
How do you respond when they get emotionally off course by something you have said or done? One follower told their child their family wouldn't be able to attend the scholastic book fair this time but that they could still order something. The offended child immediately created this burn book:
Your Spicy One will mature in their ability to not take things personally (but hopefully they will never stop taking things seriously. We need the gravitas they bring to important topics).
I wish I could draw you a pie chart pulling apart what part of your unique child’s easily offendable-ness is a passing phase.
Spicy Ones come in so many flavors, I hesitate to make generalizations. Some will be impervious to negative feedback, refusing to get along to go along. Others will be wounded by the slightest breeze.
It is always good to check your intentions. Before you give them feedback or set an *Unfortunate Limit, interrogate yourself. If your actions are coming from a charged emotion that might be fleeting, write it in your notes on your phone and wait a day or so to use audible words. Special caution goes out to those extroverted parents who ‘talk to think’ rather than ‘think to talk’. You must work through your big feelings about your boss baby with other humans.
*An Unfortunate Limit is a boundary that must be set for the good of all but is most assuredly going to bring great cage rattling and gnashing of teeth into the environment. But it’s worth it.
If so, I want to tell you that when you do your healing work, unearthing the stories you’ve accepted about yourself that were written by others, you enlarge your container's capacity to hold dissonant information. When you know yourself truly and have allowed others (and God) to search your heart, words from other people hit differently. We touch the face of this in Moms of Spicy Ones which opens in March. Join the waitlist if this sounds like your next learning frontier.
As always, scroll down to the bottom for This Week On The 'Gram.
Rooting for you,
Mary