Does screen time = mom guilt?
One consistent heartache I hear from moms is the creepy-crawly guilt they feel when they think about all the screen time their kids are getting -- especially over the summer.
Are you feeling this, too??
First, let's cultivate some self-compassion. We live in an increasingly disconnected society where there simply isn’t enough support to go around. Screens can feel like a lifeline.
If you’re feeling like your kid is on screens “too much,” start by asking yourself what role screens have in your life.
(Gently. Kindly. Curiously. This isn't an inquisition.)
Usually, it’s one of two reasons:
We’re avoiding setting a boundary because we fear their huge reaction
OR
The screens are a tool that helps us get some much-needed space.
If you use screens more than you want because you fear the conflict that ensues when you try to turn them off later...
First off – this makes sense!
Your Spicy One's emotional outbursts can rival the grand finale at the end of the Fourth of July firework show, so NO WONDER you avoid setting them off.
(BTW – if you’re struggling with telling your kid NO and meaning it, my class FIRM has your back – click to learn more!)
Ingrained expectations are hard to change, especially when it’s a favorite activity.
Come back next week for my top tips on shifting screen time habits with less drama!
Dear [FIRST NAME GOES HERE],
One consistent heartache I hear from moms is the creepy-crawly guilt they feel when they think about all the screen time their kids are getting -- especially over the summer.
Are you feeling this, too??
First, let's cultivate some self-compassion. We live in an increasingly disconnected society where there simply isn’t enough support to go around. Screens can feel like a lifeline.
If you’re feeling like your kid is on screens “too much,” start by asking yourself what role screens have in your life.
(Gently. Kindly. Curiously. This isn't an inquisition.)
Usually, it’s one of two reasons:
We’re avoiding setting a boundary because we fear their huge reaction
OR
The screens are a tool that helps us get some much-needed space.
If you use screens more than you want because you fear the conflict that ensues when you try to turn them off later...
First off – this makes sense!
Your Spicy One's emotional outbursts can rival the grand finale at the end of the Fourth of July firework show, so NO WONDER you avoid setting them off.
(BTW – if you’re struggling with telling your kid NO and meaning it, my class FIRM has your back – click to learn more!)
Ingrained expectations are hard to change, especially when it’s a favorite activity.
Come back next week for my top tips on shifting screen time habits with less drama!
Tim Robinson is a Spicy One, probably. (Definitely.)
But what if momma is ok with her kid being on screens because the alternative is losing her ever-loving mind???
Screens aren’t inherently bad! The guilt we feel around them is likely because we know they are sometimes replacing things we highly value: CONNECTION with our kids and open-ended, child-led FREE PLAY – both necessary for optimal human development.
AND YET...
There is often so much chaos in the screen-free moments. So much mess. So much improvisation. So much emotional labor. It’s exhausting.
Screens are a cheap and readily available babysitter when we need a freaking break.
There's something so precious about those vacant stares...
Our relationship with our child is the cornerstone of their development. And I have great news: when you feel more connected to your kid, everything else gets so much easier.
Before making drastic changes, focus on trying some of these tips this week, and I’ll be back with ideas to help shift persnickety electronic habits next week!
Want to feel less guilt during screentime? Here are FIVE ideas for prioritizing quality time and free play -- so when you DO rely on screens, you can be intentional about it!
Participate in the Loving: Show up fully for yourself by carving out space to care for and tend to your own needs. Make yourself a sandwich when you make one for the kids. Take your time getting dressed in the morning or getting ready for bed at night and enjoy the process. If you need more time to yourself, screens can be a great tool – a means to help you show up more for yourself so you can show up better for your kids. Give yourself permission to create the space you need to be a present and attuned mom.
Be Present and Screen-free when Caring for Little Bodies: Mealtimes, wake times, bedtimes, hygiene – anything that incorporates our children’s bodies and the care and keeping thereof, strive to be fully present and engaged with your child as you care for them.
Give Free Play Prime Time: Aside from your predictable presence and attunement, your kids need the opportunity to create inner worlds, pull down the kitchen supplies to make potions, dig up a hole to see what’s down there. Providing this time might take some un-doing (more tips on making schedule shifts next week), but prioritize this time. As Maria Montessori says, “play is the work of the child.” Find or create reasonably safe spaces and provide the raw materials (open-ended toys – or better yet, nature) for kids to explore and discover the world and be in it, marching to their own rhythms. Free play is prime time for social-emotional development, gross and fine motor skill practice, and building executive functioning skills. Don't skimp!
Don’t Let Comparison Steal Your Joy: Different households have different priorities – and that’s okay. Just because Darla next door bakes sourdough from scratch with her three-year-old every day doesn’t mean you need to. Figure out what you’re good at and enjoy about motherhood and find creative ways to turn the dial up on those activities with your kids. Then, let go of the guilt for not doing it all. You might be amazing at helping your kids put on living room plays with hand-me-down costumes; maybe you love to play sports or video games; or get a lemonade stand going for your little entrepreneur -- or perhaps you’re an undercover actress who rivals Meryl Streep when it comes to read-alouds. (Pro tip: usually the things we enjoyed as kids are things we will be great at doing together with our kids.) You at your best as a mom will never be the exact same as anyone else showing up for their kids at their best. YOU (and nobody else!) are the exact right mom for your kids.
Give Your Pure Presence for 20 Minutes a Day: So many behavioral issues melt away when our kids start the day with our unhurried companionship. Making eye contact, sipping our coffee, smiling, observing, and being curious about whatever our kid is into -- no words needed -- can go a long way. As Thích Nhất Hạnh’ says, “If you love someone but rarely make yourself available to him or her, that is not true love.” Did I just guilt you? Nah, girl. You are Good Enough!
If you’re looking for more guidance on what is “too much” screen time or how to determine what shows or games to allow, I’ll touch on these topics next week by age and stage.
What your kid needs most is YOU. What’s getting in the way of you showing up fully for your kids as their caregiver?
Rooting for you this summer,
Mary
P.S. Everything mentioned above is an ideal -- be kind to yourself. Need permission to get through a tough season? Let me give it to ya!
Take a break from feeling guilty about “excess” screen time if…
You’re currently experiencing a pandemic
You are ill, chronically, or otherwise not at your peak physically
You just had a baby (at least one year of grace for you!)
You are coping with multiple children of varying ages
You are a single parent – or feel like one
You or someone you care for has a disability
You are under extreme stress or undergoing a major life transition (death of a loved one, job loss, moving, separation or divorce)
You are struggling with your mental health
You are building a life where your child spends the majority of their time at home with you, and you need a break from, “Mom, watch this!” or, “Mom, I accidentally got poop on the wall!”