Our parents NEVER had to worry about this parenting battle
Spicy Ones don’t want to be told what to do. And we certainly don’t like hearing the word no.
(WE JUST DON’T, OKAY??)
Like my friend’s five-year-old son — he was so sure his mom would turn down his wish to show his friend an iPad game that he cleverly disguised his real ask inside a request for cuddles.
“Momma, can you snuggle me on the couch? While I show Miles my video game?”
In this second installment in our Summer Screentime Series (just came up with that, and it smacks, so we’re keeping it), I wanna first get something out of the way...
Here are the OFFICIAL recommendations from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) for screentime use based on age -- read ‘em (and weep) with me:
AACAP guidelines:
Until 18 months of age limit screen use to video chatting along with an adult (for example, with a parent who is out of town).
Between 18 and 24 months screen time should be limited to watching educational programming with a caregiver.
For children 2-5, limit non-educational screen time to about 1 hour per weekday and 3 hours on the weekend days.
For ages 6 and older, encourage healthy habits and limit activities that include screens.
Turn off all screens during family meals and outings.
Learn about and use parental controls.
Avoid using screens as pacifiers, babysitters, or to stop tantrums.
Turn off screens and remove them from bedrooms 30-60 minutes before bedtime.
Okay, firstly -- can I just say I’m personally affronted on behalf of moms of young children everywhere by the "professional recommendation" that screens not be used as "babysitters?"
Sure, it's not the most "nutrient-dense" activity, but it's gotta be better than whatever happens when siblings are inside all day due to the heat and humidity. Or when mom needs a break!! I don't think that's unreasonable.
What feels more helpful than a list of dos and don'ts is a clearer understanding of what we're shooting for when it comes to helping our kids develop healthy habits around technology.
Ages 0-6: Your job: SETTING LOVING LIMITS
Developmentally: Kids are learning to walk, talk, and (hopefully) that crayons don’t taste good. They’re learning about feelings and facial expressions. In other words, most of their learning is happening in the REAL world in REAL time with REAL people.
What they need from you: They need YOU! More peek-a-boo and less Peppa Pig – the younger they are the more screens just get in the way of learning how their bodies work IRL and developing emotional and relational skills.
Provide clear and kind tech limits and practice allowing the expression of emotions when it’s time to turn tech off – it’ll get easier, I promise! (And if you need support with this, check out FIRM Class – it will embolden you to more confidently set limits with your future CEO!)
Pro tip: May I recommend a visual timer and a full eye contact discussion of what you will both do when that timer goes off? It’s a game changer -- even if nothing changes in their behavior.
Ages 7-12: Your job: TEACHING AND TRAINING
Developmentally:
Logic, problem-solving, and critical thinking skills are starting to come on board – you may notice they’re getting better at negotiating!
Reframe the “back-talk” – they’re eager to work with you on finding balance and limits! If you can be honest with them about your concerns, preferences, and goals, they will surprise you with their willingness to work together (just like they surprised you with that eye roll last week)...
What they need from you:
Develop your family culture together! Kids this age are ready for a little more responsibility and input around timing, duration, and content, AND they need lots of practice collaborating. Work together to create your family guidelines (I made a resource for you here) and then help them practice holding to these. I like saying, “I’m gonna hold you to the agreement we made.”
Teach, teach, teach! If it’s worth knowing, it’s worth teaching -- just keep the lessons super short and frequent. How do they search safely for a topic? What should they do if a website or photo comes up that doesn’t feel right?* What should they do in various social situations?
Help them tune in. Every body is different. Kids need help checking in with their bodies and learning to notice when they need breaks. Help them find other activities that help them feel grounded before, during, or after screen time.
Pro tip: Insist that screens are used in the common area with their screen visible for all. Embrace that they still love to watch shows and movies with their parents. Family movie nights can be an easy win for connection over a shared activity (especially if you leave everyone's phones in another room).
*This book for elementary-age kids (and the junior version for littles ages 3-6) is a great start for some of these conversations about Internet safety.
Ages 13-19 Your job: PRACTICING TRUST
Developmentally: Ah, yes, the treacherous waters of puberty, social drama (including social media for some families), and identity development. To be clear, they’re still kids! But they’re being thrust into the world in a bigger way -- and at younger ages than ever before.
What they need from you:
Treat them like your apprentice. Help them create and maintain limits around tech and phone usage and help them learn to harness social media (after 8th grade) as an extension of their IRL social life – not a replacement for it (if at all possible)!
Pro tips: Keep phones out of rooms after a set bedtime -- the pull to check them in the middle of the night is too strong.
Check yourself! How are you speaking to your teen? Dan Siegel says the teen years are the most powerful life phase for activating courage, purpose, and creativity. When we treat a teenager with the respect and understanding they deserve, they are more likely to live up to their greatest potential. (For more support collaborating with your teen, check out my Tweens & Teens class!)
If you're feeling like some changes are in order for your personal or family screen time habits, we're gonna hit that next in the series.
But for today, please do sound off in my inbox: What support do you need around screens?? What are you most worried about when it comes to your kids and the Internet or social media??
Rooting for you,
Mary