Holy Forking Shirtballs!
“Who’s gonna cut my damn pancakes?!”
In this particular instance, my client’s five year old Spicy One™ was trying to elicit a laugh.
But often, when he got actually angry, his swearing was…less than humorous. I literally can’t repeat it here.
Somebody needs to cut this guy’s food STAT.
Now, to be fair, he came by his knowledge of cuss words honestly — some of the older kids at school took it upon themselves to initiate him into their little swear club. Ugh.
But his impulse control at five was significantly less evolved than those bigger boys.
We’re not always able to shield our kids from things slightly beyond them developmentally.
And sometimes, the outcome of such an exposure can cause us as parents of Spicy Ones to feel, well…surprised, embarrassed, frustrated, enraged — honestly, take your pick!
And, look, I’m not here to judge how individual families approach swearing. That’s a very personal decision.
But here are some facts.
I recently took a workshop on swearing by Allison Davies and learned a crap ton.
Swearing is an advanced linguistic tool for communicating raw, intense emotions — be it anger, joy, appreciation or sorrow.
Deploying a few choice words has an immediate, visceral impact on the listener — which, when we are in a heightened state and just trying to make ourselves be understood, is actually a highly effective communication tool.
Sometimes Spicy Ones swear for their own cathartic benefit. We know it can relieve tension, increase pain tolerance and efficiently intimidate someone we find threatening in the moment.
It can also help your Spicy One access verbal communication when they are feeling too overwhelmed to form thoughtful, kind sentences.
Research also shows swearing helps make people stronger! In one study, participants who swore were able to keep their hands in ice water longer and had more powerful grips than those who didn’t. Cyclists who cursed had more endurance.
I’m not saying: Eff it! Just become a family that swears!
I am saying however that there are legitimate reasons your child may find swearing to be an attractive form of expression when they’re feeling overwhelmed.
Which, for someone wired for intensity — and integrity — may feel like a lot of the time!
Learn to look for the need beneath this (and other) undesirable behaviors. I’m dubbing this “Subterranean Listening” and it's my 2024 phrase of the year.
Next time your child does something that pushes you toward the edge, you can practice two things: noticing and breathing.
And if you find yourself regularly at the end of your rope — you don’t have to go at it alone. There are hundreds of parents of Spicy Ones who have learned to stay Calm in the Chaos.*
I’m rooting for you,
Mary