Pep Talk for the Yellers

It happened a few months ago with my Mild Child.

As my eldest prepared to leave for college, her not-so-little teen brother sprawled his nearly-six-foot frame across the couch and teased me:

“Face it, mom, all your babies are leaving! Two years after she goes, I’m gone too!”

My spicy retort rolled easily off my tongue before I could think it through, “Oh, it will be so much easier when you leave!”

His face crumpled.

“No!” I backpedaled, silently cursing my impulsivity in that moment (ADHD is great for a lot of things, but sometimes it’s a liability).

“I mean… I mean, you’re so independent and already low maintenance! When you go it won’t be as big a shift as when the Big Energy goes!”

“But I’m one of your best friends…” he protested.

A window had opened, and I could see the little boy again.

I’d hurt that little boy.

My eyes water now to think of it. I can’t help wondering if the idea that he’s not miss-able will rattle around in his brain until he finds a therapist in his 30s.

Thankfully, I know how to repair.

I did so on the spot and proceeded to bring it up several more times until he was sick of hearing about it.

Calming our bodies down in tense moments, enough to truly see how we are affecting our children, is something very few of us were shown how to do.

But learning the skill of repair, while crucial, is actually not the most vital ingredient for fostering a lifelong connection with your child.

Many of us don’t know how to calm our bodies down in the moment — enough to truly see when we are deeply wounding our children.

And you, dear reader, have a tougher than tough child. I get it! Gentle parenting is way easier when your kid isn’t a Spicy One™. ​

(Also, let’s be real — your kid is kinda yell-worthy sometimes. I mean, it makes sense Susie’s mom doesn’t yell at her — Susie takes a shower the first time she’s asked!)

Just because it’s harder for you than other moms doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

Nobody taught us how to do this.

So as far as I’m concerned, there ain’t no shame in your game.

But whatcha gonna do about it?!

That glimpse into my son’s soul that opened – I would have missed it, or jumped right over it, pushed it down, maybe, had I not spent literal years cultivating calmness in my own body.

Repair will still need to happen – all healthy relationships are marked by reconciliation from time to time.

But if you’re interested in fixing things with your child, I’d venture to guess you’re also interested in making things better – from the inside out.

If you’ve been here for a while, you’ve heard of one of my signature courses, Calm in the Chaos. I teach parents to ground themselves in their bodies and learn to self-regulate so they can stop yelling and start connecting deeply with their Spicy One™ during times of conflict.

I want to help you practice cultivating the kind of lasting calmness that is essential for building a lifelong connection with your child — yes, even (or maybe especially) that one.

I want you to go deep,

Mary​