I didn’t want to resent my husband
Did you know that the founder of Mother’s Day ended up hating the holiday she created? That's right, once it morphed into a consumerism Hallmark day, she was out!
When Anna Jarvis (founder of Mother's Day) spent years lobbying to get the day federally recognized, she envisioned a contemplative time, a liminal day of remembering one’s mother and expressing gratitude for her impact. A day to pause and restore.
Meanwhile, legions of modern-day women are suspicious of Mother’s Day. For many, it ends up being MORE WORK. More work to process the disappointment of not being celebrated the way you want, more work to pretend to feel flattered by a sub-par breakfast in bed followed by dirty dishes waiting for you in the sink and a husband napping while the kids destroy the house like any other day.
It is certainly more work when you are stuck in a tradition that seemingly mocks you by making you wrangle everyone to get dressed up to go honor ANOTHER, MORE IMPORTANT MOTHER. But we'll talk more about that next week...
As your parenting coach, I must remind you that:
Unarticulated expectations are pre-meditated resentments.
Ask for what you want!
Start today by saying something like this:
"Hey Honey, I want to have a conversation about Mother's Day. Did you know it's coming up? Yeah, it's Sunday, May 14. I don't know how your parents did things but I’m hoping that you can bring it up with the kids and help them figure out how they’d like to celebrate me. (I can do the same for Fathers Day!) For me, what would feel good is if you help them make a homemade card saying something they love about me. I’d also like to take the day off from planning or making any food. Would you be open to handling all meals on that day?"
Don’t fall for the myth that someone who loves you should just know what you want.
Follower Christina shares her plan for asking for advocating for herself:
“I’ll ask for flowers for outside to decorate my front porch and back deck areas. But I tell them that I want them to pick out whatever kind and color that THEY think I will like. Very sweet to hear why they picked what they did. 🥰 I get to ask for something but they get to put thought into it. Both can be true.”
Another follower, Emily, says:
"My now-husband gave me sheets (that were the wrong size) for my birthday when we were newly dating. I learned then I had to be clear with what I wanted and sheets as a gift- unless specifically asked for- was a no go 😂 I give him 3 themes to pick from (like plants, a planter & something; scissors & tools for my needlepoint: or clothes/jewelry or bird feeders, seed, etc). That way, I’m surprised by which theme he will pick and he gets independence in picking it out from there. Win win.”
Where are you on the spectrum of “tell them what you need” to “they should already know if they are thoughtful”?
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In Case You Missed It
Last week on Instagram, followers weighed in on where they stand on asking for what they need:
