The right words matter.
We are watching a lot of movies and couch rotting in my house. One of my top 100 favorite movies is We Bought a Zoo. Have you seen it?
There’s a moment in the film where the hot dad (AKA Matt Damon) and his spicy teenage son are arguing, yet again. Their mother/wife died last year and they've been holding up in separate grief corners of the house ever since. The teen has been acting out at school and making some self-destructive choices.
The dad is yelling at his son about poor choices and consequences. In desperation, the son shouts back*, "I wish I knew what the hell you wanted me to say to you to make you stop hounding me!"
Dad answers, "Well that’s easy! I wish you would say, 'Gee, Dad, I know you just want what’s best for me. I trust that you’re just trying to make me better.'"
After a pause, Dad asks gruffly, "What do you wish I would say?"
The boy stares at the wall and mutters, "That's easy. 'I’m proud of who you are right now, son. You don’t have to be better.'" The resulting silence is thick with emotion. The right words matter so much to the heart!
If only every parent were evolved enough to ask their child, "What do you wish I would say to you?"
I suppose they'd also need to cultivate a safe relationship where negative emotions were okay to share, too.
In week 3 of Moms of Spicy Ones Course, we conduct an Inner Child Circle where we each shared the words that we wish our parents would have said to us as children. Gorgeous accepting phrases were shared, like:
"It's ok to have worries. I will listen."
"I want to spend all day with you. I like being with you."
"Your feelings matter to me."
These grown-ass women and I were in tears having these words spoken over us. We committed to speaking these beautiful things over ourselves and our Spicy Ones going forward. May I give you the same homework I gave them?
Your assignment is to journal for five minutes (or talk with a friend who is a good listener) about the following questions:
1. What was your role or reputation in your childhood home?
2. What do you wish your parents would’ve said to you as you were growing up?
*Full disclosure: I am sharing the dialogue from memory and may have made up my own wording. I need to watch it again!
Rooting for you,
Mary