Try this Jedi Mind trick on your little rebel
I remember the first time I watched a new mom friend use the power of reflective listening with her overheating child.
I think she said something as basic as, “You do not like waiting when your cousin is using the microphone.You like bringing it all around the house and it belongs to you.”
The transfer of energy that happened in front of me was like Obi-Wan Kenobi saying, “These aren’t the droids you are looking for” in the movie Star Wars.
I watched as the child’s stiff body softened. The anger had been named, understood, and shared. The overheating child did not magically get to have their microphone back, but they felt seen and heard so the meltdown wasn't necessary.
There is a verbal magic in being mindful of your language before a child completely short-circuits with emotions.
When we do this, we help them learn two essential life skills that take years of practice:
How to soothe and calm themselves
How to connect their feelings to their needs
One technique that will help you harness the power of words with your Spicy One™️ is “reflective listening”.
Also called empathic listening, active listening or mirroring, this communication technique is a true gift for that frustrated child of yours.
This kind of listening gives your child an opportunity to get in touch with what they feel, to explore their experience and to feel seen by you.
How can we practice reflective listening?
Label the feelings you hear.
Describe their experience with a “You are” phrase. If you’re late to pick up your child at school and can see their gritted teeth as they come toward you, exhale. Then name and validate their emotions by saying, “You are angry that I’m late”.
Seek to understand their emotion with an “It sounds/seems like” statement. Example: “It seems like you are frustrated that I made you wait out front for so long”.
Verbalize your interpretation of their experience with a “What I’m hearing is” statement. Example: “What I’m hearing is that when mommy is late it feels like you were forgotten.”
Where are you with trying this kind of language and then being quiet enough to listen to their response?
That’s your assignment this week: when you notice your child ballooning up with big feelings, try deflating some of their anger by simply putting into words what you guess they are feeling in that moment.
What a gift you are giving!
(Heads up: be ready for them to bluster and stammer that you got it wrong. That is part of the process.)
Connect With Me
Stay in the loop with my daily adventures on Instagram.
Need some extra support in your home? Book a Taste of Coaching session with me!
Already completed my coaching program? Schedule a check-in session here.
In Case You Missed It
On Instagram last week, I had an incredible live coaching session with the fabulous @balkanina who was struggling with a spicy older child hurting a younger sibling. Many of us can resonate with this and the difficult feelings that come when it’s hard to like your child.
Here was her homework:
We also named two new characters who embody some of that less-than-kind (and very unwelcome) unsolicited advice:
Marge and Tami's debut led to some of you sharing your personal experiences with unhelpful unsolicited advice:
