We feel a different kind of shame when our child attacks us during a meltdown. Some if it stems from the fact that we would have acted out against our own parent growing up. It wasn’t safe to feel our feelings and lose our cool like that!

Unfortunately, parenting an out-of-control, aggressive child is a big part of raising a Spicy One™.

I coached someone recently who was struggling with her child punching her in the back when the 6-year-old became angry. This scenario is enough to send even the calmest among us through the roof! This client asked "what am I supposed to do?". When she described her personal calm down recipe (from the CALM class), I told her: “You’re already doing something.”

Deep down parents assume that “doing something” should result in their children behaving the way they want them to, but that’s rarely how it works with an intense and gifted child. The goal is to focus on what we can control (being a calm, kind, and firm presence) and then hold on loosely to what we can’t control (our child’s growth and behavior).

So what do you do? Besides keeping yourself, their siblings and you safe? In addition to child-proofing the area and slyly putting away any breakables...

You wait out their painstakingly slow brain development, remembering they are in fight or flight.
You pour compassion on the image of this child (and their mother) who has lost the thread to their most connected and calm self.
You repeatedly bathe them in the brain formative experience of you staying calm in the middle of their chaos.

Hear me when I say this, friend: keeping yourself calm in a situation like this IS doing something profound and life-changing.

To an outsider, it might look like you aren’t doing anything other than moving away or lowering your voice and eyes. But you and I both know how much internal work it requires to remain calm when you have been physically hurt!

You are not being passive. You are actively and intentionally choosing to cultivate calm!

Your attempts at self-regulation are literally rewiring your child’s brain.

Your homework this week is to write out on paper what you plan to do the next time your child’s body and brain are so overwhelmed that they resort to attacking you with words or violence.

Rehearsing this response primes your brain to come back to this visualization once you are in the heat of the moment.

I'm proud of you!