When the Kids Are Off School
All right, here’s the imagined, totally-not-based-in-any-sort-of-real-life-experience scenario:
For when the kids are off school…forever!
All that time off school and work for the holidays should be life-giving, right? But instead, it feels like a slog and a half. You know you will be overstimulated and overworked – like a holiday cruise director – and with a heaping dose of guilt to go along with it. Why can’t you just love every minute?!
Some kids (definitely not my kids!) wrestling in the back seat.
Not only do we moms expend serious mental, emotional, and physical energy attempting to execute holiday magic for our families, many of us are also laboring under the illusion that it should come naturally.
Why doesn't our fantasy of warm time together at home for the holidays ever seem to come to fruition? Why does it inevitably descend into disappointing pandemonium?!
All we want is hygge!
In case you haven’t been on a white woman’s Instagram in the last five years, hygge (pronounced HOO-gah) is a Danish concept often reduced to the idea that we should just try to be cozier (and therefore happier) in the winter months.
If we just had the right beige throw blanket and matching family holiday pajamas, maybe things wouldn’t feel so chaotic.
But according to The Danish Way of Parenting, true hygge is based on the notion that sometimes we must put aside personal preferences and differences to promote togetherness and the greater good. It relies on a foundation of teamwork and group collaboration (versus one teeth-clenched lady doing all the work alone.)
It’s nearly impossible to access real hygge in most American households.
Think I’m exaggerating?
According to world-renowned culture psychologist Geert Hofstede, America has the highest level of individualism in the world.
In the I’ll-do-it-myself-and-make-it-look-easy Olympics, Americans are consistently gold-medaling.
We tend to reward the fierce competitors and pass over the people (LIKE MOMS!!!) with the soft skills it takes to build harmony and connectedness in social groups.
If you’re a mom in the U.S., your culture does not provide the structural support you need to effortlessly participate in some communal sense of camaraderie and warmth within a family.
Instead, you are asked to lead and execute it all! (While your Spicy One™ constantly melts down from the overstimulation and lack of predictable transitions.)
So maybe this year, we can all agree to drop the guilt that often accompanies the overworked holiday mom.
All in favor?
Here are some practical tips you can implement right away, even if you feel miles away from the true spirit of hygge in your household this season.
Keep things simple. Ask each family member what their favorite part of the holiday is. Are there any traditions you’re hanging onto that don’t make the cut? Consider skipping them this year.
Lean into playfulness. Is there a shared project or a cooperative game you can play together? Keep things lighthearted and jovial.
Be fully present. Consider keeping your phone in the other room. “It’s a special day, so I’m not going to be on my phone.”
Make the invisible visible. Sit down with your partner and older children and talk through everything that needs to be done. Ask for help. “On Christmas Eve, we will all work together to make the casserole for tomorrow morning.” “I need your help to wrap ten gifts so it’s not all on me next week.”
Engage your senses! If you can get outside, do it! If not, lean into the cozies! Fire, hot cocoa, sweaters and blankets, candles, stovetop holiday potpourri – bonus if you can hit all five senses with your snuggly vibes. Want to add to your enjoyment? Verbalize what you’re feeling for yourself and your kids! “I just love snuggling up next to you by the fire in our Christmas sweaters and hot cocoa!”
Sing! There’s so much amazing research showing how singing together fosters a sense of community and meaning within groups. It lowers stress and increases feelings of trust and bonding. Whether you’re taking the show on the road with Christmas carols for your neighbors or just belting Mariah Carey together while washing the dishes together after dinner, embrace the cacophony – it’s actually bringing harmony and joy.
Wishing you all the joy and connectedness you can muster, and the grace and self-compassion needed to fully experience it.
Rooting for you always,
Mary