Why the Overreaction??
“You’re gonna kill me!”
My friend’s six-year-old son Peter had dropped his bowl of guacamole on the rug. With chip in hand, still poised to dip, he stared at his mom and froze.
Now, I know this kid’s mother. I cannot emphasize enough how little in danger of dying he was.
But his wide-eyed expression made it clear he really thought his punishment for his little mistake was death – and that it would come swiftly.
What can make such a minor incident feel so perilous for our Spicy Ones?
Your Spicy One when your face looks remotely anxious or frustrated.
It makes some sense if you think about it. Most mammals birth their babies and in a few months or years, their offspring are fully matured, living free, and in the wild.
Humans, however – we gestate for nine months, and then we raise our young in close proximity to us for almost two decades -- at least!
The human brain doesn’t finish developing until at least age 25 – and it takes even longer if you’re neurodivergent.
So for many years, our children depend on us for their physical survival.
And gosh darn it -- they have emotional needs, too!
Humans need connection and a sense of belonging – to know on a deep level that nothing we can do could ever remove our parents' love for us.
My friend’s precocious son Peter articulated what many of us feel inside – if we upset those who care for us, we risk great loss.
And I think it can give insight into what may be happening for your Spicy One, too. There is real terror underlying that sassy demeanor, and it is easily awakened.
I’m not saying to walk on eggshells around your kid and their moods.
But know that if you have a Spicy One, the threat detector in your child’s brain is probably more sensitive than most.
Loss of Autonomy
Sometimes it’s not punishment they fear, but losing their sense of self – and this can feel like an existential crisis.
We’ve all done it -- taken away a beloved toy or withheld affection or connection as a consequence or punishment. And the Spicy One is highly attuned to our actions.
And to make matters more complicated, they can feel coerced by rewards too.
That’s why Alice, my client’s ten-year-old daughter, absolutely flipped her lid when she was offered an ice cream cone (her favorite treat) if she would just get in the dang car.
Alice is sensitive to being controlled. Somewhere inside, her brain was screaming, “I’m going to lose all connection to myself if I get in this car!” She had to decide on the spot if that sense of loss was worth an ice cream cone.
This kind of dynamic where we seek to control our child's behavior (in this case, getting into the car promptly) by dangling a punishment or a reward over them (the ice cream cone functions as a bribe in this instance) is so normalized in our culture, most people don't even notice it's happening.
“Our Spicy Ones are canaries in the coal mine, alerting us grownups that punishments and rewards can often feel like two sides of the same coin: coercion.
Hear what I’m not saying! I’m not saying that if you’ve ever punished or bribed your kid you’ve somehow failed as a parent. I spent years gritting my teeth, praying to God to help me “love this terrible person” — aka my five-year-old. Eek! And I was not above yelling or casual bribery to get me some easy wins. I continue to notice and work hard to shift this dynamic.
Since most of us experienced this kind of transactional relationship in our families growing up, it makes sense that parenting our children differently feels extra hard.”
When we feel unequipped to parent in line with our convictions, we understandably reach for what is familiar.
If you’re looking for help gaining cooperation with your child without using harsh punishments or bribing them to compliance -- I can help! This quiz will help you figure out which foundational parenting skill you need the most support practicing: Staying Calm, Being Kind, or Being Firm.
A follower recently asked me a wise question, “Okay, I get it. So, we’re not doing reward charts – what are we doing instead??”
Look, if your Spicy One wants to use a reward chart to work toward a goal, amazing! Let’s do it! I’ll buy the stickers.
But if the goal is yours and you’re using stickers and treats to get them on board with your plan for them, that’s only gonna get you so far, and sometimes it can hamper their ability to self-motivate. If our ultimate aim is adult kids who want to come home to visit, we've gotta experiment with new ways of being with our children.
The point of respectful parenting is that we’re “partnering with” our kids instead of “powering over” them. We are connecting with a fellow human – someone who just happens to be less developmentally advanced than we are.
Quick Tips to Practice Collaboration
1. Use declarative language whenever possible. For children with an especially strong drive for autonomy (also referred to as demand avoidance), using factual and straightforward statements can serve as cues or reminders without the added layer of overwhelm that a direct command or felt accusation can often elicit.
Example: As they're rushing out the door in the morning, "Your backpack is on the table," feels less accusatory than, "You forgot your backpack," and less demanding than, "Go get your backpack!" Even when delivered neutrally and with no ill intent, the last two statements can unintentionally put some especially spicy kiddos on the defensive.
2. Share concerns openly (in an age-appropriate way) and ask your kids to help you solve the problem. It feels more collaborative when we are honest and forthright with our reasoning and it can also help our kids develop critical thinking skills.
Example: I hear you want to go play at Timmy's house right away. That sounds great! Here's my dilemma: I'm worried that you'll be too tired to do your homework when you get home. How can we make sure you get to play with Timmy AND that your homework gets done?
Give lots of space for ideas and don't interrupt! Also, expect some silly responses and be prepared to take them in stride. Obviously your kid knows they can't just tell the teacher the dog ate their homework, but laughter is often a great way to start the brainstorming process and can help relieve some pressure.
When kids feel connected, when they feel seen and loved and welcomed, when they feel like you’re on their team, they will naturally want to collaborate with you more and more.
Your child is calling you into a deeper relationship with the real them. Keep showing up!
You’re doing hard things, and I’m rooting for you both!
Mary