The Duplicity of Raising a Spicy One
If you’re reading this, congratulations! It’s very likely your child is spicier than average.
And as your Spicy One shines with the intensity of a thousand suns, you’ve probably started to notice some inherent contradictions in their nature.
I want to assure you that this sort of duplicity -- while maddening at times, to be sure, is also quite normal.
You could say it’s par for the course.
"The Two Fridas" by Frida Kahlo
If you’re reading this, [FIRST NAME GOES HERE], congratulations! It’s very likely your child is spicier than average.
And as your Spicy One shines with the intensity of a thousand suns, you’ve probably started to notice some inherent contradictions in their nature.
I want to assure you that this sort of duplicity -- while maddening at times, to be sure, is also quite normal.
You could say it’s par for the course.
"The Two Fridas" by Frida Kahlo
The Duplicity of the Spicy One
Here are some examples of what I mean.
Fierce commitment to justice & protecting the oppressed
Believes rules don’t apply to them & likes to control people
Notices your mood before you even speak
Oblivious to how they burn out their friends
Sees you as their person – the one human they can count on and be themselves with
Critiques everything you do with a caustic vocabulary and tone
Craves structure and knowing what’s next
Rebels and rages against the plan they agreed to
Can be the tenderest most affectionate love bug
Looks at you with disdain and hate in their heart
Annoyingly persistent when they want something
Gives up on anything they are not instantly great at
Needs things to be put back in just the right way
Cannot be bothered to put something back where it goes
My Instagram followers chime in on the ways their child is contradictory.
Is Spiciness Something to be Tamed?
First off, Spicy is in the eye of the beholder. What reads as Spicy to you may delight me, and vice versa.
So much of what determines harmony in a household has to do with different temperaments clashing or being harmoniously held in tension together.
Often the parents who protest the loudest about their children being Spicy are Spicy Ones themselves!
Your child’s stubbornness and fierce independence – well, let's just say they didn't just fall out of a coconut tree.
But your child’s duality is also an inextricable part of being human.
Is it you or your kid?
My Household Temp Quiz can help you understand the different temperaments in your home.
Use it to find out what your Household Spiciness Index is!
"Father and Children" by Winold Reiss
The Duality of Raising a Spicy One
Do any of these sound familiar?
“My daughter, the light of my life. Completely in awe of her and cannot wait to see her life unfold -- if I can survive."
“I love watching their burgeoning independence, but I also feel an overwhelming fear of losing my connection with them.”
These polarities are simply part of life. Part of what it is to be human. And every stage of child development has these embedded deeply in the parent-child relationship.
We dread nighttime wakeups.
We miss nighttime snuggles.
We cheer their first, precious, lilting steps.
We stress as they start to explore new heights.
We feel a sense of relief at dropoff time – now we can finally get something done!
We feel sad and guilty for leaving them with someone else.
Driver's license, college, first job...money management.
It never really goes away.
This dance between independence and connection is a fact of life that is messy, emotional, and challenging to hold in tension.
Especially for the parents who themselves are Spicy Ones -- those of us who felt unseen and unlauded and unsung.
It’s really difficult trying to parent our kids the way they need without getting stuck in the past.
No one held that tension for us.
No one waded into the nuance for us.
We're humans, too. Our quirks and idiosyncrasies are part of what make us uniquely wonderful. AND it’s exhausting being a parent who is aware of their impact.
It can be glorious, and it can be exhausting. All at the same time.
If parenting a strong-willed person is difficult for you to do with grace and calm -- never fear! You are not alone.
Embrace the chaos. Embrace the nuance. Embrace the spice.
I am here, commiserating with you AND rooting for you,
Mary