Will Your Spicy One Hate You Forever?
I went looking for tips for being a good mother-in-law to share with you, and my ADHD hyperfocus landed me in an Estranged Moms Facebook group!
After inviting a classy-looking, gray-haired guru to come on an Insta LIVE to share her Ten Tips for being a Good MIL, I decided to join her newsletter. I wanted to make sure our vibes were a good match.
Next thing I knew, her welcome email arrived talking about the pain and humiliation of being an estranged mom. When I checked in with her to confirm that she was indeed still in a relationship with her son and daughter-in-law, I got ghosted. Radio silence. Did she estrange herself from me?
Family estrangement: it’s a thing many folks are wading through – on both sides. I saw another group for estranged moms that called it the “Throw-Your-Family-Away Epidemic.”
But I seriously doubt any adult daughter has ever taken lightly the difficult decision to cut ties with her own mother. Usually, it is after years of painful interactions (plus therapy) giving her enough strength to stop feeding a relationship that hurts more than it helps.
The question on many minds of Moms of Spicy Ones is how do we ensure the Spicy One does not grow up to separate forever from us?
Put another way: How do we help foster the kind of dynamic where they want to come home from college with their friends and hang out with us?
Spicy Ones can be quite reactionary and extremely shame-averse, which can make it difficult for them to tolerate close relationships and inevitable conflict. But difficult conversations need to happen and they don't always feel good.
My best tip for fostering life-long relationships with your children? As much as you can, choose connection over control.
What does that look like? For now, let’s focus on one skill: being aware of the zones of responsibility in parenting.
Here are three examples where the zones of responsibility may play out.
Note what you are in direct control of vs. what you just have concerns about.
Example: You control what electronics enter your house; you have concerns about what they may watch at a friend’s house.
Learn to notice what are your emotions and what are your child’s.
Example: You may notice you are feeling frustrated that the pile of laundry you’re attempting to fold keeps getting crashed in, so you set a boundary about bed jumping until you’ve finished this task. Your child melts down as a result of your limit. Your frustration and boundaries are yours to manage. Your child’s disappointment is ultimately theirs to work through with your support and guidance.
Learn to honor the differences between you and them.
Example: You may love action-packed adventures in the city; your child may be content reading in a hammock all afternoon instead. Finding ways to balance somewhat opposing needs is a skill worth honing.
If you struggle with any of the above, take heart!
Emotionally immature parents see no line of demarcation between themselves and their children and therefore never know they crossed it.
If you are aware and working on these things, that’s a really hopeful sign for the future of your relationship with your Spicy One.
Keep it up! I’m rooting for you.