60 seconds to improve your connection
November is almost gone and the nation is licking its wounds (or celebrating depending on who you talk to). The toxic othering of the other is on full display across my feed. I need the snark and contempt to stop so I’m hiding by listening to my favorite chill Christmas song by Ben Abraham.
The holidays are supposed to be our long-awaited season of blissful nostalgia dotted with cozy socializing. In reality, it is often a time of opening boxes of deep grief, twisted family dynamics, financial fears, dreaded obligations, mixed with a longing for meaning. And don’t forget the pressure to conjure up magical memories for our kids. It’s a lot.
This week’s tip is to ground yourself and your loved ones through the unopened gift of awkward eye contact and cumbersome touch. Introducing The Eyes of Love Pause.
Recently Mr. Van Geffen and I listened to Mel Robbins’ podcast episode 6 Surprising Lessons…of Marriage. We were driving to parent’s weekend at our Spicy One’s college. We were about to witness the skimpy costumes that college kids wear for “Halloweekend”. Imagine an array of cotton candy colored silky negligees paired tastefully with cowboy boots but that’s another newsletter.
My husband was making me take the wheel. In exchange, I blasted communication tips for a better union. The ADHD host and her steady dependable neurotypical husband embedded a gem into their conversation that I must pass on to you. The Eyes of Love Pause. (I made up the name because the more dramatically I brand a new habit, the more likely I’ll stick to it.)
We’ve been trying this pause now for 2 weeks! It works! Mr. Van Geffen hates it but he allows it with much sighing and barely perceptible shuddering.
The Eyes of Love Pause:
Once a day, find your partner or child, place your hands on their shoulders or take their hands in yours and stare into their eyes for 45 seconds. Remember that this human is your beloved. Let your shoulders sink as you silently tell them I love you - with your eyes.
Sustained direct eye contact is powerful communication too often reserved for young lovers and UFC champs about to go to blows. According to Dr. Allan Schore in this Hubermanlab interview, “the eyes are controlled by the autonomous nervous system. When two people are…synchronizing [through eye contact] with each other, it sets off a cascade of brain activity that allows people to truly feel what the other is feeling.” A shortcut to initiating empathy!
Try the Eyes of Love Pause with the Spicy One but tap into their competitive spirit and make it a dare. Say, “I bet you can't hold eye contact while secretly sending me a message for more than 30 seconds!”.
Being present is hard these days — the Eyeful of Love Pause might help!
Getting clear on what you actually want also helps. Here are the journal prompts I use each Thanksgiving week to prepare for the upcoming season, whatever it may hold.
These prompts pair well with my series of audio affirmations for accessing peace, ease and connection. I'll be sharing those for FREE in December -- be on the lookout!
JOURNAL PROMPTS:
What 3 feeling words describe how you want this season to feel emotionally?
What 3 activities, foods, people and traditions most help cultivate those feelings?
What are 3 things you can do daily or weekly to help cultivate those feelings?
What (or who) do you anticipate getting in the way of doing the things you listed above?
What conversations can you have now way ahead of time to communicate your wishes?
Wishing you a present Thanksgiving holiday with your loved ones, and rooting for you always,
Mary