I Just Can't Quit You...
It’s round three (ding!) of our Summer Screentime Series!
→ We’ve talked about noticing why you might allow more screen time than you want to. (Typically for mom-breaks or to avoid meltdowns when it’s time to turn them off.)
→ I’ve shared what’s developmentally recommended for each age and stage.
And now, dearest reader, I’d like to offer you two things:
→ three elucidating questions to ask yourself about your screen time values and
→ five concrete tips to make changes (if you decide they are needed).
Knowing your values and working to align more with them can help reduce the guilt and pressure we feel around screen time.
BUT FIRST! It's okay if you don't know what you want your household's values to be yet. My Family Culture PDF has you covered - with specific questions and prompts to help you and your family articulate your ideals.
Once you know what you want, you can feel more confident keeping screens from pushing out all the good things you want for your family.
All right! Here are three questions to ask yourself about your screen time values!
1. What role would you like screens to play in your household?
Here are some ideas! There aren't right or wrong answers here.
Entertainment
Education
Creativity
Enjoyment
Chill time
Relationship building
2. What are the dangers of screens that your children need protection from?
Four areas I think we need to be aware of are violence, advertising, social media, and adult content.
VIOLENCE
Until age seven, children are "literal learners", meaning what they see or hear on shows feels really real to them.
A five-year-old once asked if Big Bird was real. With a furrowed brow, he answered his own question: “No, that’s a costume. Inside there's a real bird.”
Violence on screen? That really happened! Their little bodies respond as if the danger is real. This includes psychological suspense -- my friend's sensitive kid often runs out of the room during cliffhanger moments with his little heart racing. Somatically, he's experiencing the plot in real-time.
Radio on in the car? Young children have no way of knowing the same news story being told over and over again isn’t happening on repeat – each time they hear it they assume it’s happening right now...again.
Steve Jobs, the genius who invented iPads, once revealed he didn’t allow his 11 and 13-year-old children on screens -- he feared it would “hamper their creativity.”
He’s not alone. Many tech leaders in Silicon Valley send their kids to Waldorf schools where screen use is discouraged until children are teenagers.
ADVERTISING
Of course, these tech bros are perfectly happy to indulge your children – even though advertising to children isn’t strictly ethical (because of their underdeveloped frontal lobes), the media magnates raking in the cash don’t seem to mind!
SOCIAL MEDIA
Leaks from Meta’s internal research show that they are well aware that social media use is correlated with an increase in depression in kids and teens -- but ultimately it is up to us as parents to protect our kids.
I highly recommend waiting until after 8th grade for social media!
ADULT CONTENT
I don’t want to freak you out about all the adult content available online -- we’re all already understandably stressed about it.
But in case you’ve been living under a rock (I wouldn’t blame you!) here are some quick stats from Fight the New Drug’s website:
the average age of first exposure to porn is 11 years old.
93% of boys and 62% of girls will see online pornography during adolescence.
88% of scenes in porn films contain physical aggression.
Pornhub receives more visits than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined.
It’s normal for your child to try to use the web to google “butts” (my child certainly did!), but the results can be confusing, traumatizing, and even become addictive very quickly. Consider only allowing your children access to the internet when you have the bandwidth to supervise.
3. What kinds of experiences do you want to prioritize over screens?
Ya'll -- do you remember what it was like to just PLAY as a child??
Imagine you have just fallen in love (it might be helpful to imagine Ryan Gosling in Fall Guy -- here let me just...
Hope this helps!
This person is perfect. You sit down together and stare into their eyes while sipping a double espresso.
In love, plus coffee.
That’s what deep, child-led play feels like. There’s a flow state you enter that’s pretty incredible for growth and development.
Free play has so many benefits for kids, including helping them flex executive function skills like planning and problem-solving and gain interpersonal aptitude like collaborating with others to make a goal happen.
The most important component? Play that is truly child-led. No adults inserting their opinions (excepting matters of safety of course). Give your kids freedom and reasonable risk, ideally in nature – and watch the magic happen.
If after thinking through these questions, you realize you want to make some shifts, here are some quick tips – especially if your kids are four and up (maybe even younger if their language skills are advanced).
FIVE TIPS TO MAKE CHANGES
Once your screen time goals are clear, here are my TOP TIPS for making shifts in your family routines and habits.
Communicate positively and remember your WHY. (“YES, we can have screen time – after we _________.”).
Broadcast planned changes (preview, preview, preview) – don’t just switch things up without communicating clearly! “Beginning in August, our mornings before noon will be screen-free.”
Allow the feelings to be expressed – encourage “positive” outlets like drawing picture or writing a poem about how bored they are, tearing up as much cardboard as would express the depths of their woe, or going for a long walk while dragging a stick behind them to show you HOW BIG their anger is about this change.
Practice embracing boredom with a catchphrase – and be prepared to be a bit listless yourself! Cultivate creative ennui by making a list of things you would be excited to do in place of screens. And be prepared to repeat phrases like, "Oh, dear! That does sound boring!" and "Can't wait to see what you come up with to do instead!"
Fill in “nutritional” gaps. When screens aren’t on the “menu” as much, be ready to help kids by making sure they’re getting quality time with you and other supportive people in their lives. This will help fill the void they may feel during the initial transition phase (which could last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks).
Use screens as connection points when possible – you know that feeling when your kid looks over at you every time something funny happens in their favorite movie or show? They want to know that you’re enjoying it as much as they hoped you would.
Watching the people you love find pleasure in the things that you also delight in is one of the highest forms of connection.
Give your kids that gift of your presence when you can!