One Weird Trick to Shift Moods

As a young Spicy One I very much wanted magic to be real.

At the age of nine, the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis ignited my belief that there were indeed fantastical beings like centaurs and dwarfs living in a faraway forest.

I convinced myself there was a secret world just beyond the old door leaning against our attic wall, but due to the summer heat in Maryland, I could never reach it without fainting!

Speaking of magic, I met a magician at last week’s hypnotism conference in Las Vegas. His purpose in life is to help heal the world through sleight of hand. He told me, “I’m in a career where everyone who enters it was bullied as a child.”

And...now I just want to hug every kid who has ever asked to show me a card trick.

As a mom of a Spicy One, you have some secret powers at your disposal.

Before I explain, let’s get into a wizardly mood with this snippet from chapter five of the Magician's Nephew:

Suddenly they heard a soft noise from the end of the room which was still undamaged. They turned quick as lightning to see what it was. One of the robed figures, the furthest-off one of all, the woman whom Digory thought so beautiful, was rising from its chair. [That’s your Spicy One.]

When she stood up they realized that she was even taller than they had thought. And you could see at once, not only from her crown and robes, but from the flash of her eyes and the curve of her lips, that she was a great queen.

She looked round the room and saw the damage and saw the children, but you could not guess from her face what she thought of either or whether she was surprised. She came forward with long, swift strides.

"Who has awakened me? Who has broken the spell?" she asked.

"I think it must have been me," said Digory.

You are Digory.

You get to awaken the goodness often buried under the impulsive, angry, and mercurial child you are raising. But unlike Digory, you can do it on purpose.

The spell you must learn is what I am calling: Pattern Interruptus!

When your child is headed down the habitual, reactive path you have seen a million times before -- the growing grumbling, the body stiffening that broadcasts a pending breakdown, the maniacal laughter that precedes predatory punishments inflicted on someone less powerful – that’s the moment!

Deploy the spell!

Interrupt.
That.
Pattern!

How? Do something you don’t usually do.

Break out of the role you have been playing that never changes anything. Find a way to change your vibe first.

Whether physically, emotionally, or both, your brain has an entrenched response around this turn of events. And your child's brain has a well-rehearsed sequence it wants to go through, too!

It’s this fun little dance you do together!

They squeal in frustration.
​You narrow your eyebrows in disapproval.​
They get louder.
​You breathe out loudly and use a fake, placating voice that unintentionally broadcasts your fear.​
Their spidey senses pick up on your unspoken fear, making them more anxious…

And on and on. You get the idea.

It's time to change things up. Give them a different reaction.

Here are some ideas for what that can look like:

• Squatting down low or laying on the floor in child’s pose (when you’d usually tower over your child with arms folded)

• Dropping your voice to a lower register (when you normally would go higher into your pleading voice)

• Singing a command with operatic flourish

• Whispering to showcase how chill you feel in this situation (fake it til you make it?)

• Raising your hands above you and leaning on a door jam while yawning loudly

• Initiating an impromptu dance party -- maybe solo at first

• Using pressure-releasing phrases such as, “You don’t have to like it,” or “You get to choose.”

• Pausing in your tracks to simulate stopped time

• Asking gentle questions like, “I’m listening. What do you need?”

These are all state changes that stop you from “getting into the swirl” as one of my Spicy One Society members calls it.

And they are common signals that let the mammalian part of your child's brain sense that you are a friend, not a foe.

It’s powerful stuff!

Okay! One more magic trick -- using powerful questions!

Pose a poignant question that pauses the brain’s autopilot response and shifts the neural activity to a different section of your child’s brain. My favorite question right now for when someone (could be me!) is marinating in worst-case scenarios and negative assumptions:

“Hmm, what else could be true that you are NOT noticing right now?"

Looking for an answer to that simple question picks you up and plops you down on a yellow brick road of looking for the good in a situation or a person.

It opens up curiosity. It reveals poppies among the weeds.

Check out the comments on this post from last week for a list of beautiful attributes moms could see only once they allowed their minds to open using this question.

If things are tough these days, and if you feel stripped of most of your magic, may kindness toward yourself be the Pattern Interuptus you crave.

Choosing to be kind to yourself and curious about your own feelings in the face of disrespect or disobedience can feel costly. It costs time. It might cost you the judgment of others.

But it's worth it. You are worth it!

Rooting for you,
Mary