Imposter Syndrome Beware!
Last week I headed up to the Spicy One’s college for her sorority’s mother/daughter weekend.
On the long car ride up, vibing to my Songs I Like to Sing Alone playlist, I noticed my chest was tight.
And my teeth kept nibbling anxiously on my nails.
When I checked in with myself, I realized I was feeling tense. A part of me was worried I was surely going to disappoint my daughter.
When a Spicy One® is super fired up for an experience, they can build it up in their mind and romanticize it. And then, when reality inevitably doesn’t perfectly align with their fantasy, they can crash hard emotionally.
She was so excited for me to come up. For weeks she’d been texting me ideas and itinerary reminders. Bring a floral dress for the teapot painting party! Don’t forget your pickleball racquet!
I don’t always know how to be who she is envisioning. I’m not “normal.” Often I say goofy things to straight-laced normal moms (thanks, ADHD). Sometimes my energy fizzles unexpectedly (thanks, Hashimotos Autoimmune Disease!), and I need downtime -- right when she’s ready to go on the next adventure.
But much of the blame for my apprehension belongs to my Imposter Syndrome. It likes to whisper to me whenever I get excited, “You can’t possibly have a great relationship with your young adult daughter.”
As Kelly Clarkson and I belted Piece by Piece headed north on the Pacific Coast Highway, I realized with sudden clarity – I was allowing my childhood wounds to haunt this precious, present-day relationship.
My only other experience of the mother-daughter dance is my relationship with my mother which has its particular rhythms and idiosyncrasies.
But that’s a separate experience from the relationship I have with my daughter – right now.
So I reminded myself of a few things:
Firstly, I can trust in the fact that I consistently show up for my children.
And, secondly, if the Spicy One is disappointed in some of our time together, or if she finds me “too much,” – well, we can work through those things respectfully and calmly.
Spoiler alert: we had a healthy mix of hugs and laughter and mild conflict. She’s got high expectations of me! But we worked through it. Like we always do! Like I knew we could.
Just for funsies, here are the top three most annoying things I did this weekend according to my young adult Spicy One:
I used the word “jonesing.” As in, “I’m jonesing for a green juice.” Evidently a Very Disturbing Word Choice on my part.
I asked whether her friends wear ankle socks or mid-length socks these days. Her response: “I hate when you ask about trends” – like I was some sick pervert for wondering.
I gleefully chanted, “Go, go, go!” when we realized the parking garage was letting us out for free. She especially hated that I pointed at the Exit sign – because she didn’t need me to do that.
Despite her frustrations with me, my daughter did invite me to attend a raucous frat party – so I’ll take that as a sign of her faith in me.
I played the part of a delighted anthropologist and soaked up the bizarre ways young adults these days partake in (what seemed to me) a confusing mating ritual made of equal parts objectification and feminism. (More on that in a future newsletter – plus a rocking playlist so you can stay in touch with what tunes college kids are partying to.)
As an adult daughter to a sometimes critical mother, it feels good to not be compulsively recreating those dynamics – in either direction – with my daughter.
I choose a new kind of relationship.
How about you? What are some patterns from your past relationships that you’re worried about perpetuating in your parent-child relationship? What’s the story your Imposter Syndrome would like for you to believe?
Stay tuned! Next week, I’ll share about “Yes Days” and how they can be a powerful and connecting ritual for you and your Spicy One at the end of your school year.
Rooting for you!
Mary