Protecting the Mild Child
A few days ago, I had a gut punch of a realization.
We were about to leave for our annual family road trip to Park City, Utah from L.A.
With the Spicy One flown to college and her Mild Child sibling cranking out college applications, it suddenly occurred to me that this would likely be our Last Family Road Trip.
As we piled into the car, I said it out loud.
Everyone immediately denied it, but the pit in my stomach and the tear in my hubby’s eye confirmed it.
This would be the grand finale of our family car trips.
A few hours later as we crossed the Arizona state line and stopped for lunch, the kids both rolled their eyes as I brought out a deck of cards I use to start intentional conversations over meals.
I just smiled as they began heckling me.
‘Cuz, really, the joke is on them – I secretly love it when they gang up on me together.
Because it means they are friends.
Backseat shenanigans.
For many years that was not the case. My Spicy One was very hard on my Mild Child.
Near-daily fights around the dinner table and gnarly playtime squabbles that ended in me escorting her back to her room when she just couldn’t keep her comments kind -- we put in years of effort here.
Driving across the country with both of them in the backseat, mostly getting along, well, it’s making me a bit reflective.
It’s a new era. And I’ve gleaned a few things then from our journey that I wanna share with you.
Sibling friendships. Hard fought, never a given.
Here’s an excerpt from my upcoming book where I am writing out tangible ways you can support your Mild Child in the journey to survive life with your Spicy One as an ever-present force of nature in their own home.
Pop the Emotional Zits
Jenna remembers clenching the steering wheel and recoiling when her 13-year-old Mild Child announced to the family, “I don't want to have kids when I get older because I don't want to have one like her.”
The her in question – his seven-year-old Spicy sister.
This point-blank admission took place in front of the Spicy One.
Tears streamed down sister’s face, and Jenna felt defeated once again.
NEWSFLASH: This is a sign of a Mild Child who hasn't gone silent.
Like a pimple that needs the puss to be actively extracted to heal, your Mild Child needs airtime (without the Spicy One in earshot) to tell you all the gunky, toxic thoughts filling their resentful little body. It may feel scary to allow this kind of talk. Please don't fall for the lie that voicing a sad truth makes it more powerful. It's the opposite!
“As a child, I wish my parents had let my needs be as important as my siblings. This would’ve required them to prioritize time with me, to ask and ask again what I was thinking and feeling and needed because I internalized very early that my desires and preferences were less important than others.”
- Kara
The sibling needs to use their voice to talk about this. Create a routine venting space (AKA pimple-popping session) and prioritize it -- even if it’s hard to hear.
How to Pop an Emotional Zit: Ask / Listen / Validate/ Brainstorm
Ask:
Wondering if your Mild Child has been inadvertently socialized not to be a problem? Don’t take their silence for granted. Ask them how they are doing. Notice what their experience of family is. Wonder aloud what it must be like to have the brother or sister that they have. How does it feel to have a sibling that needs so much attention? Do they wish their sibling would go away to camp for a week? Don’t let the answer to ‘How are you doing?’ be just, “Fine.” Let them know you have space for and interest in their emotional needs.
Listen:
Listen more than you talk. Don't shush them or try to change their feelings by pleading, “You've got to love your brother!” or defending their sibling (“It's not his fault!”). The Spicy One has brought a lot of loud into their quiet little life. Let them stumble to find the right words for the suffering they endure. Be aware of your face while they share -- especially those wayward eyebrows. Encourage them to voice their irritation and grief by nodding and keeping a neutral expression.
Validate:
Alicia Maples says in her Ted Talk, the sibling is experiencing the same stress, conflict and trauma that you are experiencing but without the wisdom or coping skills of an adult.
Validation helps them cope better.
“You know what you are right. It’s not fair.”
“It’s ok not to be ok.”
“We love you unconditionally. You don’t have to take care of your sibling – or us!”
Part of honest validation is taking accountability for your neglect.
“You are absolutely right. I shouldn't have made you give him the remote control. I will do better about giving you a turn to choose the show.”
Be a safe space by communicating that their big feelings are valid (and don't phase or hurt you).
Don’t say things like, “that’s your brother! You shouldn’t say that!” or, “Please be positive – I’m dealing with a lot.”
They may say something triggering. Like, “you never give me any attention!” or, “you don’t care about me!” Don’t get defensive – I know you are doing your best. But work hard to not slip into the victim role here.
If you are hurting, your Mild Child is also hurting. Doesn’t mean anybody is doing anything wrong. Validating phrases sound like:
“We have space for your sadness and your mistakes and your anger.”
“You get to be a kid. I will be the adult.”
“You are allowed to be angry, sad or disappointed with your sibling.”
Feeling Flooded? If this kind of healing conversation is beyond your capabilities right now, find them a therapist or counselor they can be open with. Or ask an adult in their life they love if they can be a sounding board. It helps to expressly give the Mild Child permission to share about their experiences of being a sibling. This is their story and they get to tell it. Check out the Sibling Support Project which creates local opportunities to gather with peers who get it.
Brainstorm
This step only comes after you Ask, Listen, and Validate (which are frankly way more important). There may not be a fix to this. Ask how you can better support them. “What do you need from me next time that happens?” (By the way, you probably need the same thing.)
If you’re in the trenches parenting your Spicy One and Mild Child, I want you to know you’re not alone!
I’ve been there, and I’m rooting for you,
Mary
P.S. Looking for practical support for your children’s sibling dynamics? Check out my Siblings class, and help lead your kids from Fighting to Friendship.
P.P.S. If you’re not in a place to support your Mild Child because YOU need more support, now’s the best time to get on the MOSO waitlist. My signature group coaching program starts in September and will transform your family relationships. Click here to learn more and be added to the list!
P.P.P.S. 350 folks registered for my webinar: 5 Tips For Getting The Spicy One Ready for School. Watch the recording for $4.99 here.