Whiskey Bent, and Hell-Bound!
Whiskey bent, and hell-bound -- that's how my mother describes my childhood as a Spicy One.
And after spending a week with my parents at their Park City vacation home, I was reminded of all the old stories.
My mom's evidence of what she calls a “willingness for mayhem” shines a light — not on one particularly difficult child, but on a mother and daughter struggling to find their way.
One of her favorite tales to tell took place when I was four. We were stationed in Landstuhl, Germany, and took weekend excursions often. This time we were headed to a small town in France.
As the story goes, I was very much looking forward to being in France, what I assumed must be the home of my favorite food, French fries.
Me, dreaming of French fries in France.
Like many Spicy Ones, I love fantasizing about things I am looking forward to; I had a clear vision in my head of how it would all go, and I talked and talked about it on the long drive.
Cue the creepy foreshadowing music…
But when my mother ordered in broken French at the restaurant, she asked for pomme de terre froide instead of pommes frites.
When apple slices floating in cold water were ceremoniously placed before me, my eyes grew wide, and I began screaming, crying, and flailing my fists.
My mother was mortified at my reaction. She dragged me out to the car -- which she swears was viewable from their table in the window. She locked me in and left me alone so I could “calm down.”
Unbeknownst to her, I was not alone. A wasp was trapped in the car with me. It dove at me repeatedly, terrorizing me as it buzzed against the dashboard and the windows.
Inside the quiet restaurant, my parents slowly sipped their soup as I thrashed against the car window, trying in vain to unlock the door -- my face beet-red and soaked with tears.
Thankfully, I don’t have explicit memories of the apples, the car, or the wasp -- but I implicitly know the feeling of being out of control.
Breath caught in your collarbone.
Heat flooding your face.
The pulsating volume of blood in your ears blocks your thinking.
And because you, dear [FIRST NAME GOES HERE], are a human being, I know you, too, have likely felt this way at some point in your life.
And now, maybe quite recently, you’ve felt those same, overwhelming feelings bubbling up again – possibly in response to your own whiskey-bent and hell-bound Spicy One.
Perhaps, like me, you have found yourself screaming menacingly or gripping a tiny arm tighter than strictly necessary.
If we’re being honest, we've all done it.
When you are activated, your body thinks you are in danger. It is natural to want to scream and hit, or shame and threaten.
And as adults, when we come back into our right mind, cloudy and confused by our rage, there is also a heavy sense of guilt now weighing on our hearts for making things worse. We may long for someone to care for us.
If I could, I would be that warm parental figure to you. Someone to comfort you as you wish you’d been comforted back then.
Maybe one day we’ll have reparenting robots – we can sit in their laps and hear their calming words, have our backs rubbed, get a big hug, or be sent outside (kindly) to run off the feelings of stress.
(Actually, there is such a thing! Check my Amazon link! Kidding…)
If no adult from your past modeled the rise and fall of anger in a healthy way, self-regulation and self-compassion will be a foreign concept. You will need a plan to self-soothe in those moments.
You will need to figure out your unique safety sequence – something to let your body know there is no emergent threat to your life and limb snarling in front of you, waiting to eat you.
(It’s just a tiny human who really wants to eat fries.)
I call this kind of safety sequence your Calm Down Recipe, and it’s gotta be unique to you if it's gonna work. My process brings your attention to four ingredients: Breathing, Sensing, Thinking, and Movement.
You weren’t taught how to do this. But you can do it!
I’m rooting for you!
Mary
P.S. If you’re feeling guilt or shame about how your unregulated emotions have affected your relationship with your child, you’re not alone. My Repair Recipe is a $3.99 PDF download that can help you take steps to heal your connection.
P.P.S. Nearly 1,500 moms of Spicy Ones just like you have completely transformed their relationship with their child in MOSO, my eight-week group program -- opening soon! Don’t miss this round!