They know too much…
Imagine knowing someone’s deepest, darkest secrets, the exact word or phrase that could send them spiraling.
Now pretend you also have an underdeveloped brain and therefore struggle with emotional regulation and self-control.
Kind of a recipe for disaster, no?
Siblings, man!
Best friends. Worst enemies. Sometimes they’re so cute you want to bawl your eyes out and the next moment it’s so toxic you wonder if the neighbors are going to call the police from all the yelling.
Good luck, mama!
Pandemic siblings are built different, too.
And now that school is out for the summer, whatever the relational patterns were by the end of lockdown, it’s likely they are happening again in full force.
You’re really not alone. Here’s a smattering of messages from parents like you:
😞 "I can't handle the volume of screaming or the cruel things they say to one another."
😩 "She intentionally tries to hurt her younger siblings with mean words and actions."
😞 "It’s one extreme overreaction after another. So much unnecessary bickering and hurt feelings."
Here’s my top tip for supporting siblings through a conflict:
Teach them to focus on the positive!
Not in a toxic positivity way (“It’s good that he hit you in the face! Now you can learn something!”) – that’s not what I mean at all.
What I mean is that you can model for them and explicitly teach them to share what positive actions they want to see, not just what negative behaviors they don’t like.
Here are some quick examples:
Instead of: “I’m tired of you trying to irritate your brother.”
Try: “I want you to suggest a game that both of you like to play.”
Instead of: “Stop teasing your sister!”
Try: “I’d like you to speak kindly to your sister.”
For the kids learning how to speak to each other, this could sound like:
“I want you to keep your hands to yourself,” instead of, “Punch me again and you’ll be pulling back a bloody fist!"
Voicing the positive is a crucial life skill because:
it helps us learn to get in touch with our feelings and needs
It helps us practice communicating more effectively – our brains (especially Spicy OnesⓇ!) are wired to reject demands, especially when they are framed negatively or in a way that invites blaming.
If you’re hitting your limit with all the bickering and violence, you’re right to take it seriously. Sibling relationships are incredibly formative.
I created my course on sibling relationships: Sibling School to help you support your kids going from constant fighting to consistent friendship. Check it out!
Summer doesn’t have to be complete mayhem. It could be a learning lab to practice healthy conflict.
What were your sibling relationships marked by? What are your worries about your kids’ relationships with each other?
Rooting for you!
Mary
P.S. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed on your parenting journey and wonder where to start shifting the dynamics of your household from control to connection, I just made a new quiz for you! It’ll help you quickly figure out which of the three foundational parenting skills you need the most support in -- getting calm, staying kind, or being firm.
P.P.S. If you'd like to take a deep dive this summer, my three foundational parenting courses, Calm, Kind, and Firm, are now bundled together! Check out The Collection here – and get an exclusive discount!