What to do after you hurt your child
Hey, every parent will hurt their child's feelings. Maybe even their body.
I had a fistfight with my 7-year-old niece last month. We were physically fighting for control of a bottle of melatonin gummies, both our fists clamped tightly around the supplements.
She wanted to gulp down a second gummy, and I was holding a hard limit.
But my limit was a little too hard. As I impatiently twisted the bottle from her surprisingly strong fingers, I felt my nail slice across her palm.
"Ow!” she winced, pulling back. Pain and betrayal flashed across her face. Her eyes seem to say, “why would you hurt me, Aunt Mimi?” Her body responded by running for her room. (The Spicy Ones™ don't let just anyone see their pain).
Have you ever hurt a child and then needed to make amends? Maybe it was way worse than a nail graze. Whatever your infraction, it can leave you stuck in paralyzing shame.
As the great theologian Brad Pitt said,
"We've always placed great importance on the mistake. But the next move, what you do after the mistake, is what really defines a person.”
This is your invitation to look up from your pity party and do the thing that is an indisputable part of building a strong attachment: repairing.
How to Repair Things With Your Child:
STEP 1: Embrace that causing harm is a part of being in a human relationship.
The goal is not to stop messing up with your child. Even in healthy, securely attached relationships, caregivers and babies are only in sync 30% of the time. The other 70%, they’re out of sync: making repairs and coming back together. Attachment is strengthened by the work of repair. Feeling shame is unnecessary, and depletes motivation to do the sacred work of repair.
STEP 2: Move toward the child to initiate a conversation.
“I think I hurt you yesterday. Could we talk about it?”. That alone might be such a departure from how you were raised. Well done!
STEP 3: Invite the child to say what it felt like for them when you hurt them.
This is the step we usually skip.
It’s natural for them to say “that’s ok” simply because they can’t tolerate the knowledge that you would do anything cruel. Without your intervention, they may blame themselves. Assure them that: “No, it’s not ok. I was rough and caused you pain. You deserve to have your body treated gently”.
If they’re too young to articulate their experience, narrate the story of what happened for them: “I was rushing to bedtime and I didn’t take time to be gentle when you wanted extra melatonin. I had an awful look on my face and a mean tone. It probably made you feel ashamed and afraid.”
Then pause. Allow space for them to integrate and respond.
STEP 4: Confess with words what you did and apologize.
SAY: “I’m sorry I hurt your hand”. NOT: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Do not try to have them share the blame for your behavior with discounting language like, “if you hadn’t yelled in my ear, I wouldn't have hit you". You lost the right to teach them through this scenario when you lost control and caused harm.
When you own and rectify harm, be conscious of your non-verbals. Saying ‘sorry’ without the matching body language can make someone feel crazy.
STEP 5: Don’t require forgiveness from the child.
When we pout and demand, “Do you forgive me?”, we put the child in the hurtful situation of having to relieve our guilt. We need to forgive ourselves. The response to causing harm must be victim-centric. Think about what would help the child (the victim) and not what would make us (the ones who messed up) feel better. Feel free to express what will be different next time based on what your child says they need.
STEP 6: Get support to make changes and become a safer person.
This means doing the work to own your triggers, grow the missing skills, and engage in the healing needed to be the person your child needs. Commit yourself to practicing and to trying again even when you fail. Each time it gets a little easier.
I am proud of you!
Sources:
I created these steps based on my lived experience and the ideas shared in these 2 podcasts:
We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle: How to Make Wrongs Right with Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg
The Place We Find Ourselves podcast, S5 E84: “Parenting: How your story is affecting your relationship with your children” Part 2 by Adam Young
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In Case You Missed It
Last week on Instagram, we started the Love challenge, talked about affirmations, and saw some fantastic return affirmations from some Spicy Ones™️:
